Thank you to all of you who have contacted me through my web-site. I appreciate you taking the time to write and allowing me to answer your concerns. Stay in touch!!
Can an adult or child heal from this trauma?I consider this one of the most important messages to convey to women and children who have had this crime committed against them. While the impact of sexual abuse is devastating, it is possible to regain and restore your life and sense of well-being. We know more today about healing from the trauma of sexual abuse than we did when this crime was being reported by women thirty years ago. I do encourage, because I believe it is important, that women seek and find therapeutic support during their healing. This trauma was so often endured in isolation that connecting with a qualified, compassionate and well-trained therapist and eventually a support group, will break this historical isolation and give women the support they have always deserved. I encourage women to be compassionate with themselves during their healing and commit the time they need to their healing.
How can I keep my child from being sexually abused?
The most important first step in the prevention of child sexual abuse is never allow your child to be around a known perpetrator. This can be a difficult decision because often the belief system that existed in the family when the sexual abuse occurred is still the same belief system in the family today. This belief system either outright discourages disclosure of sexual abuse and identifying a perpetrator or it indirectly does so by pressuring women to "have a relationship" with the perpetrator. What women must recognize is that as long as perpetrators are allowed around children, the risk remains for any child to be sexually abused by a perpetrator. Perpetrators seldom abuse only one child, but often abuse several children over a number of years. They are able to sexually abuse a number of children because of the 'secrecy and silence' that is maintained by family members and because perpetrators are not known to admit to their abusive behavior or to seek help on their own. Society's attitude of not talking about this trauma and becoming well-educated about sexual perpetrators also contributes and maintains a perpetrator's cycle of abuse. Misguided messages of forgiveness and "put it in the past" also contribute because they fail to realize that forgiveness of a perpetrator requires that this person take true responsibility for the sexual abuse and admit to what they have done openly and honestly. Forgiveness does not mean having a relationship with a sex offender. Women always need to forgive themselves for however they blame themselves for the behavior of this person. Women forgive themselves by realizing that they did not cause the sexual abuse, the perpetrator caused it because he/she is the one who committed the crime. The second step to prevention is to seek treatment and healing for yourself so that you do not pass on the effects of this trauma to your child. Simply because the sexual abuse ended does not mean this trauma has stopped affecting a woman's life or those around her.
What causes someone to sexually abuse a child?
As of yet, we have no specific answer to this question. It was in the 1980's that the trauma of child sexual abuse really began to be talked about by women who had been the victim of this crime by someone they knew, trusted and often cared about either as a family member or someone the family knew. We do know that perpetrators have a belief system that continues their cycle of abuse with children and reinforces their deviant behavior. While some offenders were sexually abused as children, others were not and yet both groups will commit this crime. However, even if perpetrators were sexually abused it does not excuse them for repeating the offense to another child. There is not specific demographic profile of a perpetrator nor do all perpetrators fit the profile of the pedophile. Perpetrators come from all walks of life and from all types of families.
Do women sexually abuse children?
Adult men are not the only perpetrators of sexual abuse. Women also commit this crime. As therapists have begun to work with perpetrators - due to their prosecution and mandated treatment - we have learned that individuals who sexually abuse children are men, women and teenagers who began this abnormal behavior sometime in their adolescence. While it is difficult for our society to accept that women do perpetrate this crime, it is necessary to educate people that men are not the only perpetrators even though they are the majority. Women and juveniles also sexually abuse children and teens. It is through education and a change in our own beliefs that we increase the likelihood of protecting our children and stop the stereotyping of offenders who commit this crime. Sexual abuse by a female is as damaging as that committed by a male. We need to dispel the myths about female perpetrators just as we did about male perpetrators and expose the women who commit this crime as well.
Did the sexual abuse from my childhood cause other types of trauma and violence to happen to me?
The trauma of childhood sexual abuse is linked to a pattern of revictimization (repeated traumas) that occurs after the original trauma in childhood or adolescence. I believe this traumatic pathway develops due to a diminished ability by women to assess real danger after sexual abuse occurs. An absence of treatment at the time of the sexual abuse and a belief by women that they are helpless to control life situations will also contribute to this pattern. This internal belief developed during the abuse has at its core misplaced self-blame for the abuse; without intervention and treatment it went unnoticed by the child and the woman she grew to be. In adulthood, a woman has not yet learned that she has the right to live free of harm so she will unknowingly perpetuate this destructive pattern. In addition, the negative beliefs from the perpetrator that were taught through his behavior and words, is acquired during the cycle of abuse and this belief system is reinforced within the family where the abuse occurred and transfers to her adult life. Finally, violence to women occurs most often by men they know and trust; this reality also reinforces for women that violence and trauma is not only a part of their past, but also their present and possibly their future. When women heal from the trauma of childhood sexual abuse this belief system changes and the traumatic pathway ends - both for her and her children!
Why would a man who was married sexually abuse me?
Perpetrators are both heterosexual and homosexual; they can be married or single, they are more often employed than unemployed. The men who are incarcerated for this crime are frequently white males rather than a member of a minority group. They can be and are grandfathers, fathers, stepfathers, live-in partners, brothers, cousins, uncles and family friends or teachers, ministers and coaches. Sexual orientation, marital status, and socioeconomic or other demographic characteristics are not reliable predictors of whether an individual, male or female, will sexually abuse a child. Continued research is needed so that risk factors within the family where abuse occurs along with the characteristics of known perpetrators are effectively identified and put to use to prevent this crime.
Why did I not stop the abuse or tell someone?
Children are not capable of stopping perpetrators before sexual abuse happens because more often than not these individuals are family members or someone the family knows. The perpetrator violates a child's right to be safe and prevents her from speaking about his or her behavior. Confusion, violence, pain, shock, fear of separation, loss of trust, and protecting the perpetrator and the family from disruption, reprisal, and threats of separation and even love for the perpetrator are examples of existing vulnerabilities that cause a child's passive inability to tell about the sexual abuse. These fears, along with shame and embarrassment, also ensure her silence about the perpetrator's behavior. Sometimes, children will believe they consented to the sexual abuse because they did not tell and never question why the person sexually abusing them did not tell someone about what they were doing and ask for help to stop their abusive behavior. Remember, fear or confusion does not translate into consent.
For any questions you may have, please feel free to contact Karen at
karenduncan@healing4women.com.