A compassionate approach to healing childhood sexual abuse
by Karen A. Duncan, M.A., LMFT, LSW

What Women Can Do To Protect Their Children From Childhood Sexual Abuse

For Women Who Have Been Sexually Abused

1. Give themselves permission not to be around the perpetrator. We need to provide women the respect and support they need to disengage from the person who sexually abused them.


2. Never allow their children around a known perpetrator. People who sexually abuse children are never to be trusted to with children even if the person is a family member.


3. Talk to other family members about the person who sexually abused them. Women have a right to tell about a perpetrator's behavior. The secrecy and silence that surrounds this crime is a primary reason it continues to happen to children today.


4. Trust their feelings, thoughts and impressions about any person who reminds them of the perpetrator. By developing self-trust, women can stop a pattern of revictimization that was set in place from childhood sexual abuse. Remember: When women are safe so are their children.


5. Identify and change destructive patterns and distorted beliefs that developed during the time of the abuse. Learning to think outside the behavior and thoughts of abuse and the family context in which a belief system developed is a key aspect of healing and prevention.


6. Learn about healthy boundaries. Boundaries make it possible for women to restore their lives and be free of sexual abuse.


7. Talk to their children about who commits this crime and how it happens in families so that their children will never become a victim of it. Women who experienced sexual abuse are experts about this trauma and they can apply their knowledge to keeping their own children safe.


8. Provide information to their children about human sexuality conveying the message that sexual development is normal and natural and develops throughout their life span. This may require parents to develop a relaxed and acceptable attitude about such topics as nudity, masturbation and different sexual orientations and preferences. Children need non-shameful conversations and dialogue about human sexuality as they are growing and learning about relationships and forming their values and beliefs about the world around them.


9. Teach children to be assertive. Convey the message that they will never be in trouble for coming to you and letting you know when someone has harmed them, made them feel uncomfortable or embarrassed them.


10. Practice safety at all times with children. Check the policy for supervision at organizations and require that more than one adult be present to supervise adult/child activities and that individuals who have contact with children be screened through the local police department and verification of this background check be provided to parents. If any organization is offended by these kinds of requests they either lack accurate information about sexual abuse or they do not have your child's protection upper most in their mind.

For Women Who Have Not Been Sexually Abused

1. Believe this trauma happens to children. Think beyond "stranger danger" and begin to recognize "family danger".


2. Do not be afraid to ask partners and other family members if they know whether sexual abuse has occurred in the family. When parents allow their own fear or discomfort to prevent them from asking about childhood sexual abuse in their families they are placing their own children at-risk for sexual abuser.


3. Understand how perpetrators seduce, coerce and manipulate children and their parents into a cycle of abuse that begins the moment perpetrators decide they will sexually abuse a child. Always supervise your children around an adult or adolescent that you do not know well or feel unsure about. Observe this person's behavior and language and observe your child as well. Remember adults and adolescents who spend most of their time with children are not normal and may be telling you something about their propensity to commit sexual abuse. Parents need to be cautious and careful when it comes to the people they allow with their child.


4. Speak to their children about who commits this crime and how it happens in families so that their children will know more about this crime than any perpetrator would ever expect. If you know a woman who was sexually abused ask her how you can keep your children safe and out of harm's way and then apply this experienced knowledge to keeping your own children safe.


5. Inform their children that sexual abuse is a crime punishable by the courts. Young children especially do not know sexual abuse is a crime and even adolescents do not always have accurate information about our laws.


6. Teach children to be assertive. Convey the message that they will never be in trouble for coming to you and letting you know when someone has harmed them, made them feel uncomfortable or embarrassed them.


7. Provide accurate information conveying the message that this area of human development is normal and develops throughout their life. This may require parents to develop a relaxed and acceptable attitude about such topics as nudity, masturbation and different sexual orientations and preferences. Children need non-shameful conversations about human sexuality as they are growing and learning about relationships and forming their values and beliefs about the world around them.


8. Advocate within your community for parent education on child sexual abuse. Knowledge is power and the more knowledge parents have about sexual abuse, the less likely that their child will be vulnerable to a perpetrator.


9. Think and practice safety at all times. Check the policy for supervision at organizations where their children attend or participate. Require that more than one adult be present to supervise adult/child activities and that individuals who have contact with children be screened through the local police department and provided to parents to assure your child's protection is upper most in their mind.